Anonymous: Jolted Reality

Posted by in Faith | May 20, 2013


Editor’s Note: Our first anonymous post, Jolted Reality deals with the pain and inner struggle we all face to varying degrees. Thanks to our brother for baring his heart and encouraging us with the empathy and tender words of encouragement for anyone else who has found themselves in the clutches of numbing depression. It’s true after all, at some point in our lives, we all just need to feel something.

“I’m standing alone in the shower as the hot water is washing over my body and my mind is flooding with old memories of past mistakes. It’s always around this time of night that I feel like I just can’t handle life. I want to be the nice, happy boy that I pretend to be on Sundays, but I just can’t find the strength to manipulate my life/mind Monday through Saturday to conform to such a reality. Why is it that every night around this time I find myself thinking of suicide or more practically, how to simply feel something.

Every night at that point in my life I would crave affection and love. What could it hurt for someone to just say that they love me and mean it? I had no answer for that. It caused me to dive deeper and deeper into depression where suicide was on my mind and my body was in a state of constant numbness. This numbness drove me to experiment with cutting. What a simple thing. All it was was taking a sharp blade and moving it back and forth along the skin. What a feeling it gave me as I would see the red blood pouring out of my flesh like a geyser gushing from the ground. For a week I could feel something. Even though it was pain, I could still feel normal. That was all I wanted.

I would cry at night alone and pray to an invisible God who never seemed to change anything. I thought to myself, is this really what my life was meant to be like? Was I meant to be sad, lonely, and depressed for the rest of my life? Is this what it will be like at the end of my life?

BUT GOD! These are my favorite two words to be put together. And this is where God decided to show up in my life. You see, I was trying to live my life my way, for my pleasure, when I should have been seeking God’s plan for my life. Because it really is not my life! God simply gives me a chance to play in the game.

As I began to bend my knee towards Christ and His love, I started to understand why I was sad and lonely all the time. I was sad because I did not truly know my savior. I was lonely because I did not have Him as a friend. I went through this trial in my life because He wanted me to. He uses this story in my life to encourage those around me. He let’s me share His love to others because He gets the glory for it. If this is God’s will then who am I to backtalk God? I am nothing.

I know that you who are reading this story might be going through a tough time, and you really don’t want to hear about God’s plan for your life. I understand what it is like and I know how you feel towards God. The anger and isolation you feel from the world. Like you are no good and that you don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Let me just say that you are right. You and I are nothing in the grand scheme of things but God is. We cannot change the world but God can! We have nothing to offer Him but God chooses to use us! He uses our weakness so that He gets the glory because this world is all about him!

I do not write this story so that you feel bad about yourself; but I write this story because I want you to know that you do not struggle alone! You are not the only one being told lies by the devil and believing them! We are a band of brothers who must come alongside each other to build each other up for His glory. Let me encourage you to talk with a brother in Christ about where you are in life and how you hurt. Because when we are at the end of our rope, we find the Cross of Christ! It is at the Cross where we find rest, peace, comfort, joy, fulfillment, and Love! That is where true healing comes from, at the foot of the cross.”


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